You Cannot Hide From Me

I feel drowned out
Because I'm drowning myself
Drowning out my own pain
Pretending I can be happy
Hiding existence of any sign
That isn't me being happy how I am
I can see it all in my head
I'm looking at myself
In the water of my lies
Struggling
Gasping
Trying to break free
It would be easier to let my sorrow live
But
For him
I can't
I want to be strong
Strong enough to not feel pain
But is that strength?
It's harder than I thought
To conceal
I take a rock
"I'm happy because I'm in a relationship"
I place it on my stomach.
I take another rock
"I should be happy for him because he's happy"
I place it on my chest
I take another rock
"He's me best friend, he could never hurt me"
I place it on my throat
I have to sit on my thighs so I can't kick my legs
I have to pin down my forearms so I can't lash out my arms
But I'm so close now
The water rises to my elbows
I've almost stopped squirming
I can see myself through the water
Tears in my eyes
I'm looking at myself and hear
"Why,
Why are you trying to drown me?
You can hide me from him,
But can you hide from yourself?"
I've stopped moving
I look in the water
I sat up
Right through the rocks
Right past my arms
"It's okay to hurt,
It's not okay to lie to yourself"
And embraced myself
I couldn't fight anymore
I gave in
And I cried